Time to Lighten Up!

Posted 10/29/08 - Special THANKS to Petra from Beech Mountain Lakes for this submission

SUBJECT: INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications (which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0).

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

DESPERATE

=========================================

Dear DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: IThoughtYouLovedMe.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications, Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. (Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta).

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

In addition, please DO NOT attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7

Good Luck Babe!

TECH SUPPORT

Posted 6/9/08

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.' The woman did as she was told.

'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.' Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

The worried woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

Posted 5/18/08

Two guys who should NEVER sit together . . . .

Posted 5/18/08

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck broke down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure am," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, " but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World."

Posted 4/30/08

The Wedding of the Wong's

Su Wong married Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a healthy, bouncing, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?' The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?

     Sum Ting Wong

Posted 4/30/08

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace. "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy, I can't," replied Mr. Wallace. "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died." "Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" "Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing."

OK IF YOU'RE NOT LAUGHING - SOMETHING'S WRONG

Posted 4/25/08

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama Bin Laden, and a Texan are all working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our our precious land." POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."

Posted 4/21/08

Farmer John and the DOT

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built-up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the DOT office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want us to do?" asked the official. "I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!"

So the next day, DOT workers went out and erected a sign that said, SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later Farmer John called the DOT and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the DOT sends out workers and they put up a new sign that said, SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

But that sped them up even more! So Farmer John kept calling, and the DOT kept changing the signs.

Finally, Farmer John said to the DOT official, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The official was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." And after that, the DOT got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the DOT official and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The official was really curious now and he thought to himself "Id better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the DOT official drove out to Farmer Johns house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY - Go slow and watch out for the chicks

Posted 1/31/08

My Living Will

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a
vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive.
That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch!

Posted 1/31/08

A CLASS PROJECT GONE WRONG

An elementary school class started a class project to make planters to take home to their
parents. They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so they decided
to use cactus plants.

The students were given green-ware pottery planters in the shape of clowns which they
painted with glaze. The clown planters were professionally fired at a class outing so they
could see the process.

It was great fun! They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely,
but unfortunately, the children were not allowed to take them home.

The cactus plants were removed and small ivy replaced them and the children were then
allowed to take them home instead.

The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea at the time!

Posted 9/24/07

Couples who should have thought twice about getting married!

Best-Lay	Busch/Rash
Crapp-Beer	Hardy-Harr
Looney-Warde	Neisser-Ho
Poore-Sapp	Wang-Holder

Posted 8/24/07

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Mabel pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: It’s a condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.

Posted 8/4/07

Smart Husband, Wife Smarter!!

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go
Fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that
Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a
Week and set out my rod and fishing box?

We're leaving from the office and I will! Swing by the house to pick my
Things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is,
Did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home, a little tired but otherwise looking
Good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish.
But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The Wife replied, “I did, they are in your fishing box. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 Posted 5/24/07

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.....

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car
you may live in Pennsylvania...

If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly"
you may live in Pennsylvania...

If you actually understand these jokes ...  you definitely live in Pennsylvania. 

Posted 5/23/07

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the
anus?  It is called the "anal optic nerve". It's responsible for giving people a "shitty outlook"
on life. If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass, and see if it doesn't bring a tear to
your eye.

Posted 5/1/07

Fun Things to Do In an Elevator

Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
 
Fun Things to Do at Walmart
 
Make a trail of apple juice to the restroom.
Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
 
Fun Things to Do when a Telemarketer Calls
 
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for their 'Family and Friends Plan', reply, in as
SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
 
Allow the telemarketer to fully explain his offer. When he is finished, explain that his
company hired you to randomly spot check telemarketers on their performance. Tell him that
he did a good job overall, but that he is a bit monotone and needs to fluctuate his tone of
voice more to sound convincing. He also should pause longer between sentences, and more
clearly pronounce the letter “s”. Tell him you won’t report him if he repeats his speech to
you with the appropriate corrections. Repeat.

Posted 4/24/07

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to
the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are
important to each other.' He addressed the men, 'Can you describe your wife's favorite
flower?' Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, 'Pillsbury All-
Purpose, isn't it?'

Posted 4/23/07

Captured at 115th and Allisonville Rd. in Fishers (Indianapolis). The sign is real and was up
for two hours before someone stopped and told them how to spell PEONIES!

I wonder about the fragrance? I wonder if it would help to put those preservative packets in the water? I wonder if they bloom? I wonder whether they would look better on the kitchen table or in the entry? I wonder if they're cheaper by the dozen? I wonder if they come in long-stemmed?

Posted 4/22/07

A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His
family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone.
After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his
friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6
legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could
catch the darn thing!"

Posted 4/21/07

A zookeeper approaches three boys standing near the lions' cage and asks them their names
and what they're up to. The first boy says, "My name's Tommy and I was trying to feed
peanuts to the lions." The second boy says, "My name's Billy and I was trying to feed
peanuts to the lions." The third boy says, "My name is Peanuts."